It’s a brand new 2022. Beore we leave the Christmas Season completely I wanted to share this little bit of fun. Being a landlord is rarely what it is cracked up to be. I have been pretty lucky myself but have heard horror stories and have one or two of my own. Hopefully none of us will have to deal with this level of tenant. The Twelve Days of Christmas begin on either December 25 or 26, depending on which deffinition you choose. I am choosing December 26, meaning all coorespondance would begin on December 27.
Golden State Property Management
December 27, 2021
Dear tenant,
It has come to our attention that you recently adopted a bird as a pet at the house you are renting from us. You also came into possession of some sort of a fruit tree and dug up a corner of the lot to plant it. Regarding the fruit tree. Our inspector examined it and the placement doesn’t interfere with any of the utilities or other aspects of the property. Therefore, you can keep the tree where it is with the understanding it will stay there when you move. In the future, we would appreciate it if you would contact us before making any changes to the landscape. Regarding the bird. You have always been a good tenant and paid your rent promptly. Since we do allow pets, we will allow you to keep the bird. Please sign the attached rental addendum and include a $200 pet deposit when you return it. In the future, please notify us if you are thinking of getting additional pets.
Thank you and Merry Christmas,
The Management.
Golden State Property Management
December 28, 2021
Dear tenant,
Firstly, thank you for the prompt response to our prior missive and the $200 check. Apparently, the bird you adopted was a partridge and the fruit tree you planted in the backyard was a pear tree. Both are fine by us. It has come to our attention, though, that you are also in possession of two doves. Doves are filthy birds much like pigeons. We would ask that you remove these from the premises immediately. Sorry for any inconvenience but we feel we are being more than generous by allowing the partridge and the pear tree and you gave us no notification that you would be adding the doves.
Thank you and Merry Christmas,
The Management.
Golden State Property Management
December 29, 2021
Dear tenant,
Again, thank you for your prompt response and removal of the doves. BUT we now understand that you have three hens. Said property is not zoned for agriculture, this includes any type of egg laying poultry. A recent city ordinance allowing for the breeding of hens in residential neighborhoods was repealed, largely due to complaints from the neighborhoods. The city is currently reviewing the ordinance and the impact it will have on outlying neighborhoods. Until this is resolved the hens will have to go. Please remove those birds as quickly as possible.
Thank you and Merry Christmas,
The Management.
Golden State Property Management
December 30, 2021
Dear tenant,
Several of the neighbors inform us that you now have added four calling birds of some type to your little zoo. The birds are very noisy, and the neighbors are complaining. We appreciate the fact you are a bird lover. And, in view of your past history, we don’t want to seem overly harsh. Therefore, we are willing to work with you. If you can do something to keep them quiet, we will allow you to keep them. Otherwise, you will have to remove them from the property immediately. If you do manage to silence them and wish to keep them, please sign the attached addendum and add an additional $200 pet deposit upon its return.
Thank you and Merry Christmas,
The Management.
Golden State Property Management
December 31, 2021
Dear tenant,
The birds and pear tree were one thing! It has now come to our attention that you are operating some sort of a mining operation out of the property. We want to remind you that not only are you in violation of the lease, but you are also in violation of local zoning ordinances. Also, as the owner retains the mineral rights to the property, any precious metals extracted from same, legally belong to him. Please cease all operations immediately and return the property to its original condition.
Thank you and Happy New Year’s Eve,
The Management.
Golden State Property Management
January 1, 2022
Tenant,
WE ARE VERY CONCERNED! Apparently, not only have you ignored our request to cease all mining operations, but you have also added additional animals to your menagerie. In point of fact, you now have six Canadian geese in your possession. We wish to point out that the Canadian goose is an endangered species and, unless you are properly licensed, you cannot legally have these birds in your possession. Not to mention the many city zoning ordinances of which you are in violation. We have been very lenient to date, but you have taken advantage of the situation so that leniency stops now. Therefore, not only do we demand that you immediately remove the six geese from the property and cease all mining operations, but you also remove the other birds that you have collected.
Thank you and Happy New Year’s Day,
The Management.
R. U. Kerr, Razy, and Nuts
Attorneys at Law
January 2, 2022
Tenant,
We have been retained by Golden State Properties and by the owner of the property at which you currently reside. They have informed us that you had been collecting a large number of fowl, including, but not limited to, endangered Canadian geese. You recently dug a pond, without the owner’s permission, and have added seven swans swimming in said pond. Depending on the type of swan, these may also be endangered, meaning you would be required to have a license in order to care for them. In addition to all of this, you have also started a mining operation without proper permits or permission from the owner and which you have refused to quit. This has now become a legal matter, which we take very seriously. We will pursue all legal recourses until the matter is settled to the owner’s satisfaction Attached, you will find a duly executed cease-and-desist order. Forthwith, you must:
- Remove all birds from the premises. These include a partridge, three French hens, four calling birds, five Canadian geese, and six swans.
- Cease all mining operations.
- Turn over any excavated materials to the owner.
- Return the property to its’ original appearance including filling in of the mine and draining and filling in the pond. The exception is the pear tree which, can stay.
A good day to you sir,
R. U. Kerr, Razy, and Nuts
Attorneys at Law
R. U. Kerr, Razy, and Nuts
Attorneys at Law
January 3, 2022
Tenant,
It is our understanding that you have now added eight cows with accompanying milkmaids to the property and are housing them in some type of a barn-like structure. You are really pushing the limits of the law here. This is a residential neighborhood and is not zoned for this kind of farm activity. We understand that times are tough, and jobs are scarce. Costs are rising across the board. But this is not the answer. You would be well advised to shut down all operations immediately before we have to escalate this further.
Regards,
R. U. Kerr, Razy, and Nuts
Attorneys at Law
R. U. Kerr, Razy, and Nuts
Attorneys at Law
January 4, 2022
Tenant,
This is not good at all. It is our understanding you are now operating an illegal strip club with as many as nine women pole dancing. Not only is the establishment itself not properly licensed but, as we have continually pointed out, the property is not zoned as a business. Attached is another formally executed cease and desist order. Please comply immediately.
Regards,
R. U. Kerr, Razy, and Nuts
Attorneys at Law
R. U. Kerr, Razy, and Nuts
Attorneys at Law
January 5, 2022
Tenant,
This situation has now escalated beyond control. You have ignored our cease-and-desist orders and have added a second wing to the strip club for the ladies. To that end you have hired ten male dancers leaping to and fro. Between this, the unresolved poultry issue, and the ongoing mining operation, the owner has informed us that he wishes us to start a formal eviction process. He will be out sometime later today to meet with you and serve the eviction order himself.
Regards,
R. U. Kerr, Razy, and Nuts
Attorneys at Law
I. M. Dunn
Owner
January 6, 2022
Tenant,
I have been following this situation with interest. You have been a good tenant for a number of years, and I could not believe you were taking advantage of that fact. First, you ignored my property management company, second, you ignored my attorney. Unfortunately, you left me with no option other than to start a formal eviction. But, I wanted to confront you on a face-to-face basis and see for myself what damages you have caused. You have destroyed my property beyond belief. You installed a pond without a proper filtration system. As a result, it is a mosquito nesting ground as well as attracting other pests. Hens, swans, and geese were running about pell mell, shitting all over everything and creating a huge, noisy ruckus. You are operating an illegal dairy farm in the backyard, and I could smell the cow manure from half a mile away. Then there is the huge excavation in the middle of the backyard. The neon signage in the front was in unbelievably poor taste and I counted no less than eight cars parked on my once exquisitely manicured lawn, and another six parked around the house. In what had once been my large formal living room, I found a naked woman dancing on a pole and two other women, both barely dressed, serving alcoholic beverages to more than one dozen men in the room, some of whom I am convinced are underage. I was approached by a man trying to sell me cheaply made gold rings. The gold, I suspect, came from my property. I also discovered an illegal poker game in one of the back bedrooms! I tried to meet you personally but everybody I spoke with said you were out and could not be reached. In addition, everywhere I went I was accompanied by eleven men playing bagpipes ceaselessly. I hate bagpipe music. My ears are still ringing from the noise. I left an eviction notice with a gentleman who identified himself as your manager. Please see that you are out of the property by the end of the month and have returned everything to its original condition.
Angrily,
I.M. Dunn
Happy Dale Sanitarium
January 7, 2022
Dear Sir,
It has been related to us that you are the person occupying I. M. Dunn’s rental property. I regret to inform you that Mr. Dunn has had some sort of a mental break and will be spending the next several months with us. Shortly after he was admitted, a group of almost two dozen men sat outside his window banging drums and playing bagpipes. It is our professional opinion that this, in large part, had to do with his mental break. It is only making the situation here worse as this activity is disrupting our staff and keeping them from performing their assigned duties. Please remove these men immediately so that we can all get on with our lives and we can make sure Mr. Dunn gets the help he so desperately needs.
A Joyous New Year,
Happy Dale Sanitarium
I’ve seen worse. Hope this finds you well rested as we go into a brand-new year. I am looking forward to sharing all that I can with you my dear readers. As always, swing for the fences.
