One place (of many) that should be on everyone’s bucket list ought to be the Grand Canyon. It is, after all, one of the seven great wonders of the natural world. I had been there once, many years ago, standing on the edge and peering over 5000 feet down into the gorge. That’s over a mile down at its’ deepest folks, and eighteen miles across at its’ widest. It’s enough to make one feel insignificant. But it’s not the same as actually going down into the Canyon. If going to the Grand Canyon is on your bucket list, then you really need to go into the Canyon and explore it. Standing on the edge and looking down into the Canyon is a great photo op. It’s also, to my way of thinking, standing around and watching life pass you by. Now, going down into the Canyon, experiencing it with all of your senses, that’s the way to really appreciate the wonders of the Grand Canyon. Now you are actually participating in life, not just watching it go by. Take a big juicy bite and really roll with the experience.
Currently, the Canyon is 277 miles long. But, with various hydroelectric projects and the water backing up behind dams that distance is gradually shrinking. It’s not going anywhere soon, though, not in my lifetime anyway. I had been there in 1978, just for a brief instant, standing on the edge looking down, as life passed me by. It was time that I got back. Time to see, hear, smell, taste, and feel what the Grand Canyon was all about. In 2012 I decided to check that one off my bucket list. Convincing the wife to join me was probably the hardest part. She has a fear of fast-moving water and the idea of running rapids, of which there are over 200 along its’ length, did not interest her in the least. Somehow, I convinced her it would be a great experience that we would both remember for the rest of our lives, and she agreed to go. That summer we put down our deposit of $500 each to Grand Canyon Expeditions. They are, I believe, the only white-water outfitter allowed to take visitors downriver.
Then life happened, as it usually does. In December of 2012 my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thankfully, we caught it early and were told that, with treatment, she should recover 100%. Of course, that nixed the plan for the Grand Canyon trip in the summer of 2013. I called Grand Canyon Expeditions and explained the situation. They were very courteous and understanding. They said no problem, I could roll the deposit into a trip the following year. By the summer of 2013 my wife was declared cancer free. Hallelujah! Physically, she was cured but, as is the case with many, if not most cancer patients, she was still overcoming the emotional trauma. I once again called Grand Canyon Expeditions and was told, sure, roll it into 2015. In early 2015 my wife finally confided to me that she just did not want to make the trip. The cancer beast had had a sobering effect on her, and this was how she chose to deal with it. Personally, I hope my reaction would be less conservative although, not having ever fought the beast, I cannot say that for sure. In any regard, I had to respect her wishes. She said she knew this experience was important to me, and I should go and have the adventure of a lifetime. Grand Canyon Expeditions was, once again, very gracious. There were no spots available during the time I wanted to go so I could make the trip in 2016 and apply my wife’s $500 deposit to my trip.
So, 2016 was the year. Three years later than planned, but it was finally going to get a big red check mark next to it on my bucket list. It is an eight-day, motorized trip down the Canyon in a rubber, Zodiac style pontoon boat. They also offer nine-day motorized trips. For those feeling most adventurous they also offer 14- and 16-day Dory trips. These trips are a bit more strenuous. There are no motors, so you are actually required to row the boat for stretches. And the boats are smaller making them more susceptible to flipping in the whitewater. Truth be told, I am not the biggest fan of fast-moving water myself and I’m an old fart. I want to relax and let someone else do the work when I am on vacation. In early spring I picked out a week to go, towards the end of July. You have to pick your slots early, as these trips fill quickly. A few weeks before I was scheduled to depart, I received an email from the company explaining the procedures. Basically, they would supply everything. Tents, sleeping bags, cots, all the basic necessities. I just needed to bring a daypack for personal items like biodegradable soap, medicines, change of clothes, they recommend a light jacket as it can get chilly some evenings, light duty rain gear, etc. We were to spend the first night at the Rio Hotel in Las Vegas. In the morning we would be picked up by bus and taken to Lees Ferry to meet our boat and crew. When the trip was done, we would return to the hotel and spend another night. All included in the price.
There was one vital piece of information in that email that I somehow missed. Passengers were to arrive at the hotel the night BEFORE leaving, in this case Friday night, where, at 7:00 PM, we would be indoctrinated on what to expect on our trip. The bus would then pick us up the following morning, at 5:00 AM on Saturday. So, that Saturday, I drove towards Vegas full of energy, excitement, and wonder. Despite some traffic just outside of Vegas I managed to get there by 6:30. When I arrived at the hotel, I asked the concierge where we were to meet, and he pointed out a conference room down the hall. I knew I was a little early, but the room was locked which seemed odd. When I asked the concierge, he informed me that the bus had left that morning. I went back to the email and read it again. I had somehow misread it and thought I was to arrive on Saturday when, in fact, I should have arrived Friday.
Realizing my mistake, I tried to call Grand Canyon Expeditions. Unfortunately, the office was closed until Monday so there was nothing I could do. Well, perhaps not nothing. After all, I was in Vegas. It’s hard not to find something to do in that town. You know what they say about making lemonade out of lemons or, perhaps in this case, cold cash at a hot blackjack table. I returned to the front desk and told the man there that, since I was in Vegas anyways, I might as well book a room and spend the weekend. He informed me that they were sold out. No problem. Las Vegas has 14 of the 20 largest hotels in the world and both over 150,000 rooms. Surely one of them was empty this weekend. I began making phone calls. Every hotel i called was booked. I went on Expedia. This being July, peak of the summer, everything in Vegas was booked. Who’da thunk it!? What did I do? I climbed back into my 2009 burgundy red Saturn Sky and drove the 300 miles back home to Bakersfield. A twelve-hour, 600-mile road trip, and all for nothing. On Monday I called Grand Canyon Expeditions and explained what had happened. Fortunately, I had bought trip insurance which, in light of recent events, appears to have been one of the smarter things I have done in my life. Anyway, it was too late to do anything that year, but they said I was more than welcome to book a trip the following summer, in 2017. Next year, though, make sure I read the email all the way through.
So, this adventure, this symbolic crossing off of an item on my bucket list, was put off, yet again, for another year. Once again, I received an email a few weeks before I was to leave. This time I read the email thoroughly, so as to make sure I knew when and where I was supposed to be. I arrived at the Rio on Friday night and informally mingled with my other travelers until the Grand Canyon Expedition people arrived. There were 18 of us, along with four river guides. We were spread out over two large, motorized boats. These boats had compartments built into them below the waterline which contained everything we would need for eight days on the river. We were each assigned a number and given a rectangular ammunition can with the corresponding number stenciled on it. There we could keep small emergency items such as sunscreen and rain ponchos. We were given a cot and bedroll, again with our number stenciled on them. Lastly, we were given a tent with our number on it. We would be treated to an early, buffet style, breakfast next morning and the bus would arrive around 5:00 AM to take us to Lees Ferry.
So far so good. The next morning, we ate breakfast while waiting for the bus. Upon arrival, the bus driver explained this was a six- or seven-hour trip with three stops. First stop was Walmart. There we could pick up any last-minute items. He told us to make sure we had carabiners. These are metal hooks that we would use to secure our daypacks to the raft. Without them our packs would be going overboard on the first rapid. And. Of course, I hadn’t thought to bring any (gotta read those emails). I also had forgotten to bring sunscreen so I could use the stop to stock up on that as well. Lastly, we were allowed to bring alcohol, which was something I hadn’t known. I figured I’d pick up a couple bottles of wine to take with. The second stop was literally less than 30 seconds. We would just pull over to the side of the road to pick up two of our guides. As soon as they were on the bus we would continue on. The final stop was a general store on an Indian Reservation about an hour from our destination. It would be our last stop to buy any essential items. If nothing else, we were told they make excellent home baked cookies there. By the way, they do!
Our first stop went pretty much as planned. At least the stopping part did. As to the rest… well…! We pulled into Walmart, and everybody piles out of the bus. I had a straw sunhat I had brought along for the river. It made me look like an elderly Huck Finn and I really didn’t need to be wearing it in Walmart. Although we’ve all seen much worse in the Walmart aisles. I left the hat on my seat on the bus. I still didn’t know anybody’s name but most of us immediately went over to sporting goods looking for carabiners. Apparently, I am not the only one that doesn’t read their emails thoroughly. Anyone that has ever watched The Amazing Race knows it’s all in the details. Pesky little devils and hard to find. I wasn’t seeing them, so I decided to get the sunscreen and wine first and then circle back. Sunscreen, check. Wine, check. Back to sporting goods. By now everyone else had moved on and I had a clear shot. Still, it took me a few minutes to find my prey. I picked up three, figuring extras wouldn’t hurt. I pay for my purchases, go outside… and the bus is gone. Apparently, the bus driver was just as good as starting as he was at stopping. I cannot effing believe this. I’ve had to reschedule this trip four times. Three times because of illness and the fourth time because I showed up on the wrong day. I finally get here, I’m on way, and I literally have missed the bus. They couldn’t have just left me! Looking around, I spot my ride in the street on the far side of the lot, getting ready to make a right turn. I don’t think I’ve moved that fast in twenty years. But, as it turned out, I needn’t have hurried. They weren’t turning after all but were waiting for me. Evidentially, the bus driver did a head count and miscounted. The bus was on its way when a lady in one of the other groups calls out “Hey, what about the guy with the hat?” I think I’m going to have that put on my headstone. “Here lies Konrad Knoeferl, The guy with the hat”. There is a reason I call this website the Mad Hatter. I boarded the bus to big applause. Not sure if that was because they were congratulating me for still being able to move that fast or congratulating me for actually making the bus.
We made our second stop, picking up our two wayward guides. Thankfully, I didn’t have to leave the bus for this one. On to our final stop at the general store where I did have to leave the bus. But, while in the store, I kept checking the windows every 15 or 20 seconds to make sure the bus was still there. We arrive at Lees Ferry where the boats are loaded and ready to set sail, figuratively speaking. We each find a spot on one of the two boats, strap in our daypacks with our brand-new carabiners, and get comfortable. It’s really a great trip and I will describe it in more detail in another essay. Suffice to say we had a great time. At the end of the eight days, we all were on a first name basis.
And this was the great finale to the expedition. I rescheduled the trip three times, pushing it back a year each time. A fourth time I had to reschedule the trip because I showed up on the wrong day. Then, when I finally get there and am heading to the put-in point, I literally miss the bus. On the return trip to Vegas, we make one stop, at a different store on, I assume, the same Indian reservation. The last part of the trip puts us in the desert, and it is, as Buster Poindexter sings, Hot! Hot! Hot! When we get to the store there is one thing that everybody wants, ice cream. The small box containing ice cream is a scene right from Walmart all over again. I pick up a drumstick. You know the kind, vanilla ice cream piled onto a sugar cone dipped in chocolate and sprinkled with walnuts. I was also thirsty, and my wine had disappeared in the first four days, so I grabbed a canned Margarita. The drumstick was heaven, the Margarita, well, I’ve had better. But then, Margarita in a can! Really, what was I expecting. I made sure I was one of the first of our merry little band back on the bus and took a seat near the rear where I stretched out and relaxed. Slowly, in twos and threes, everyone else climbs back aboard. The bus starts its’ engine, and the driver shifts into gear when Jill shouts out “Hey, is Konrad on the bus?” I replied with “I’m back here Jill. But isn’t it nice that I’ve gone from The Guy With the Hat to Konrad?
I would urge anybody to make the trip down river if they had the opportunity. Yes, the white water can be a challenge but it’s also a great adventure. On our particular trip there was one lady who was in her 70s. She was terrified of the water, but her entire family was on the trip, and she decided to go based on the fact that if they all drowned, she wanted to make sure she drowned with them. For more information you can contact Grand Canyon Expeditions. The toll-free number is 800-544-2691. You can also check out their website at gcx.com. Happy adventuring!